Finding Strength in the Ups and Downs
Marriage is a journey filled with ups and downs, but what happens when every day feels like a roller coaster of emotions? The constant shift from praise to criticism, from open communication to defensive behavior, can be emotionally exhausting, confusing, and downright frustrating. If you’re feeling this way, know that you’re not alone.
I’ve been living this dynamic with my wife for years, until I took action. It feels like I’m stuck in a perpetual loop of doing everything I can to lead my family, only to feel like I’m never quite good enough. I want respect and appreciation, but every day feels like an emotional beatdown. Despite everything I’ve built for us—the sacrifices I’ve made, the successes we’ve achieved together—there’s still this lingering sense that I haven’t done enough. That no matter what I do, I’ll never be enough.
You can love someone with every ounce of your being, but that doesn’t mean there won’t be moments of doubt. That’s the reality I’ve been grappling with—this emotional tug-of-war between my wife and me. And honestly, it’s left me emotionally drained, tired, and feeling like I’m sinking into quicksand.
The Story I Was Telling Myself
For a long time, I told myself a story about my marriage. I convinced myself that our relationship was a disaster, that I was only sticking it out because of my faith and our four kids, a repeated loop pattern from my first marriage. I told myself that my wife didn’t appreciate what I did and was stuck in this idea that she could have had a different life—a better one with someone else who made more money or offered her more stability, another loop pattern from my first marriage.
It was easy to fall into this mindset. After all, it’s hard to see beyond your frustrations and disappointments when you’re in the thick of it. I started believing that I was the victim in this story, that I was doing everything right while she was holding us back. But deep down, I knew that wasn’t the whole truth.
I felt isolated, wondering if I’d ever see the fruits of my labor and whether I could keep this up. How does anyone at that rate? Sometimes, I wonder if disappearing and starting over would be easier than continuing to fight for this marriage. But then, I’d look at my kid and remember why I keep showing up. They deserve two parents who are committed to making this work. And I’m committed to my wife, even when losing the battle.
The Reality Check
The real turning point came when I started reflecting on the evidence contradicting the story I was telling myself. I realized that the story I was clinging to—the one where I was the victim and my wife was the problem—wasn’t entirely true. It was a convenient narrative that allowed me to avoid taking responsibility for my part in our struggles. This realization was a significant step in my personal growth and understanding of our relationship.
I started looking at the facts. My wife has stuck by me through four moves across three states. She’s raised our four kids and given up her career to support our family. She has wanted to leave several times over the years, but she stayed each time. She’s still here, fighting alongside me, even when things are tough. And just the other day, she told me how much she loves our home and the life we’ve built together.
It hit me hard—I’ve been so focused on my frustrations that I’ve been blind to my wife’s sacrifices for our family. I’ve been blaming her for the distance between us, for the emotional turmoil, but the truth is, I haven’t been honoring her in the way she deserves. I’ve been so caught up in trying to fix everything around me that I haven’t taken the time to truly see her and acknowledge her role in our journey.
The Shift in Perspective
Marriage isn’t about winning or losing—it’s about partnership. I realized I’d been expecting my wife to respect and honor me without giving her the same in return. I was so busy trying to lead our family and improve things that I forgot how she supported me daily.
I’ve been looking for respect and appreciation, but I’ve come to understand that respect is earned, not demanded. While I’ve been fighting hard to create a life for us, I haven’t been as intentional as I should be about fostering our connection. I haven’t allowed her to express her emotions and be vulnerable. Instead, I’ve been asking her to make sacrifices without acknowledging the ones she’s already made.
A New Story
The story I’m choosing now is one of partnership and mutual respect. I want to build something with my wife that will stand the test of time—a marriage that our kids can admire and emulate in their lives. I want to create a legacy of love, respect, and partnership for generations.
This realization doesn’t mean the road ahead will be easy. Marriage is hard work, and there will always be challenges. But I’ve learned that it’s not about expecting the other person to change or bend to your will. It’s about working together, finding common ground, and appreciating each person’s strengths.
I’ve spent much time focusing on what’s wrong, but now I’m committed to recognizing what’s right. My wife has been my biggest supporter, even when I didn’t see it. She’s been there through thick and thin. I’ve finally realized that the love and respect I’ve been craving have been there all along—I just needed to stop looking for validation from others and start appreciating my incredible partner.
The Call to Action
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this experience, you can’t build a strong marriage by focusing on the negative. You have to take a step back and see the bigger picture. You have to honor your partner for who they are and recognize their sacrifices.
To all the men out there feeling the weight of marriage, I challenge you to shift your perspective. Instead of dwelling on what’s wrong, start focusing on what’s right. Your partner deserves the best version of you, and you deserve a relationship built on mutual respect and love. By focusing on the positive aspects of your relationship, you can build a stronger, more hopeful future together.
Let’s create the marriages we’ve always dreamed of—the ones that last, inspire our kids and leave a lasting legacy.
Conclusion
This story isn’t just mine—it’s a story that many of us share. We’ve all experienced the ups and downs of marriage, the moments of doubt and frustration. But I’ve learned that when you choose to focus on the good and honor your partner, you open the door to a deeper connection and a stronger relationship.
So, let’s stop playing the victim. Let’s stop waiting for our partners to change. Let’s take responsibility for our happiness and build the marriages we’ve always wanted. Together, we can create something extraordinary that will stand the test of time and inspire future generations.
If you’re ready to start that journey, take the first step today. Appreciate your partner, honor their sacrifices, and commit to building something unique together. You won’t regret it.