Battle for the Throne
Have you ever looked around at your life and realized that the battles you’ve been fighting aren’t the ones you should have been fighting? Maybe the war you thought was external—the conflicts with others, the frustrations at work, the tensions in your marriage—were reflections of the internal battle you’ve been avoiding. I’ve been there.
It took me some time to realize that many of the issues I’ve been struggling with are far more common than I thought. There’s a parallel in my life and the lives of countless other men. We’ve been fighting others when we should have been fighting for control over ourselves. We’ve been trying to change the world around us when the real work needed to start inside.
The Battles We Fight
As men, we often bottle up our feelings. Society tells us that being emotional or vulnerable isn’t “manly.” Even though I pride myself on living outside societal norms and defying what others think I should be, I still suppress my feelings. People close to me tell me to change, conform, and “be better.” And sometimes, despite knowing that my views and feelings are valid for who I am, I eventually bend a knee and silence myself.
For example, when my marriage hits rough patches, my initial reaction is to lash out. There are moments when I want to vent my frustrations at my wife. She can be immature, selfish, and sometimes a handful. But deep down, I know she loves me. I know she cares for me. And sometimes, it’s the smallest gestures that remind me of that. The other day, we slept in with our two little ones in bed with us. She held onto my arm for five minutes—those five minutes were enough to recharge me and give me the strength to get through the day. Despite all our ups and downs, her touch gave me the energy I needed.
Yet, intimacy is something I find myself avoiding, not because of anger or resentment but because of the emotional distance that’s grown between us over time. We’ve let life, disappointments, and missed expectations put this invisible wall between us. We’re not furious with each other—at least not always—but we’ve been worn down by letdowns and the day-to-day grind of life. I’ve realized that much of our issues come from external pressures—other people’s problems that we’ve taken on as our own.
My wife admitted that her mother often makes her feel guilty about things. She never thought it affected our relationship, but I can see the ripple effect when I look at it. Her mom had predicted we would fail, and now that we’ve succeeded beyond her expectations, there’s tension there. My wife’s mother likely resents that we’ve made it this far while her father struggled to provide for their family. It’s wild how much of our struggles are inherited pain from others.
The Real Battle is Within
The more I reflect on my life, the more I see that I’ve been leading a false narrative, just like many of us do. I’ve been living a blindfolded existence, focusing on the wrong battles. But I’ve come to realize that if anything is going to change, it starts with me. I am the one who can control my life. I am the one who can turn things around. And I need to be the man who leads my family through this. It’s a journey of self-reflection and personal growth that I invite you to join me on.
It’s up to me to stand firm, recognize the value in my wife and our marriage, and create the space for us to heal and grow. I can’t wait for her to make the first move. I need to go first, take the steps toward becoming the man I want to be, and then be patient enough for her to work through her truths in her own time.
I’ve spent too much time dwelling on the negative, focusing on the problems, and being frustrated with life. But the truth is, that mindset only keeps me stuck in the same patterns. I can’t fix the issues in my life with the same thinking that created them in the first place. I need to start recognizing the good, appreciating the love still there, and focusing on the positive aspects of my life.
Recognizing What’s Good
One of the most important things I’ve discovered is the need to recognize my wife’s value. She’s still here with me after four kids, after countless opportunities to walk away, after years of highs and lows. And I need to start acknowledging that. I need to stop focusing on the times we fall short and begin appreciating the times we succeed.
I must begin documenting and communicating the value she brings to our home and relationship. There’s power in acknowledgment, in simply taking the time to recognize what’s good in my life. The whole dynamic shifts when I stop focusing on the frustrations and start seeing the love still there.
Getting caught up in the negative is easy, but I’ve learned that dwelling in that space only brings more negativity. To create something better for myself and my family, I must lead with positivity, gratitude, and love.
Moving Forward
The singular lesson I’m learning from all of this is simple: You can’t fix things with the same level of thinking that created the problem. If I want to move forward, I need to shift my mindset. I must recognize the good in my life, my wife, and our relationship. It’s not enough to see the problems—I need to be willing to see the potential, the love, and the value that’s still there. This shift in focus can be a powerful tool for personal growth and relationship improvement.
So, here’s my plan: I will start documenting and communicating the value my wife brings to our home and our relationship. I’m going to make space for gratitude, love, and appreciation. And I will lead by example, creating the space for my wife to do the same in her own time.
This battle isn’t against the world. It’s against the false narratives we’ve allowed to take root in our minds. If we want to turn things around, we must change the story.
Let’s lead from a place of love, respect, and gratitude. It starts with us.
Call to Action:
Take some time today to reflect on the value in your own life. What have you been overlooking? What false narratives have you been clinging to? Start by acknowledging the good and watch how it changes how you see everything around you.