It takes immense courage to face the truth about oneself. For years, I’ve been living a lie, portraying an image of discipline, triumph, and balance. But the truth is, I’m far from it. I’ve been living a façade, afraid to show my true self to the world.
I wake up daily with this nagging feeling that I will be found out. People will see behind the curtain and realize I’m not the man I’ve been portraying. The man I let them believe I am. I’ve been playing up my public persona, letting people see the highlights, the success stories, the half-truths. But my reality is much darker. Behind closed doors, 90% of my life feels like a mess.
The Lies I Tell Myself:
I’ve been lying to myself about my capabilities, my relationships, and my overall life situation.
It’s not just the world I lie to—it’s myself. I’ve convinced myself that my problems are external, that other people are trespassing on me and creating chaos in my life. I’ve blamed others for why things aren’t working out, telling myself that if they would change, everything would be fine.
But the truth? It’s me. I’m the problem. I’m the one who has yet to be disciplined and has yet to do the things I need to do to get the desired results. I’ve been playing the victim in my own life, allowing myself to hide behind this illusion that I’m in control, that I’ve got it all together.
I haven’t been the man I pretend to be—not for myself, my family, or the people I care about. My relationships are suffering because of it. I’ve lied to the world about my status, about my ability to juggle everything, and, most of all, about who I am.
The Toll of Living a Lie
Living this double life takes a toll. It’s exhausting to keep up appearances and pretend that everything is fine when you’re falling apart inside. I’ve been putting so much energy into maintaining this public image that I’ve neglected the people who matter most—my family. My wife, children, and mother…they see the real me. They know the man who isn’t showing up fully and isn’t working to fix what’s broken, what’s that’s the challenging part—knowing I’m putting them down. I know I’m being the husband, the father, or the son they need me to be. I’ve been so focused on trying to convince everyone else that I have it all together and that I’ve uncovered the areas of my life that are falling apart. My relationships are strained because I haven’t been present. I’ve believed being physically there is enough, but it’s not. I’ve been emotionally and mentally absent, and my family feels it.
Facing the Truth: My Relationships Are in Shambles
My relationships are in shambles because I haven’t been honest with myself or them. I’ve pretended to be a better man than I am, and it needs to stop.
It starts with the people closest to me—my mother, wife, and children. I’ve had my relationship with my mother drift, convincing myself that everything is okay when, deep down, I know something needs to be repaired. My wife? She is patient, but I know that she deserves better than the man I’ve been lately. I need to step up and be the partner she thought she married—the man who is present, engaged, and committed to building a life together.
Then there are my children, who look to me for guidance, support, and love. I’m there in body but not spirit, which needs to change. My four kids under my roof need a father who is fully present and actively working to build a strong relationship with them, not just going through the motions.
And then there’s a 17-year-old son from my previous marriage. We haven’t spoken in four years—ever since he told me to f*** off. That broken relationship weighs heavy on me every single day. I allowed that distance to grow, thinking it might resolve itself over time, but I haven’t ignored it. I need to find a way to build a bridge, reconnect with him, and make amends for the years of hurt and estrangement.
The Path Forward: Stop Lying, Start Healing
So, where do I go from here? It starts with one simple but powerful commitment: Stop lying. I must stop lying to myself, the people around me, and the world. I’m committed to telling the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable or hurts, and even when it feels easier to keep pretending. This commitment is the first step towards healing and growth.
I’m committed to being honest with the people who matter most. I’m Ready to have the hard conversations, be vulnerable, and admit that I don’t have it all together. I’m willing to tell my wife the truth about where I’ve fallen short and work with her to rebuild our relationship. I’m ready to be honest with my kids, to let them see the real me, and to work on being the father they deserve.
And I’m going to reach out to my 17-year-old son. It won’t be easy—there’s so much hurt and anger to work through—but I can’t run from it. I must face it head-on and do whatever it takes to repair that relationship. Then, I can live a life of proper balance and find the love and connection I deeply desire.
Creating Space for Healing and Growth
This journey isn’t just about repairing my relationships—it’s about healing and growth. I’m creating space for reflection, prayer, and listening to God’s guidance. I’m ready to let go of control and allow God to lead me in these relationships, showing me the way forward.
Through this healing process, I hope to not only rebuild my own life but to help other men who are struggling like I am. Is that you, if you are still reading this? There are so many fatherless men out there who are broken, who are trying to hold it all together but feeling like they’re struggling. I want to be a beacon of hope for them, to show them that it is possible to change the trajectory of their lives and build generational wealth—not just financial wealth, but wealth in love, connection, and purpose.
The Time for Change Is Now
I’ve spent too many years living a lie, pretending to be someone I’m not. Sound familiar? But I’m Okay with that. It’s time to face the truth, repair my relationships, and become the man I’ve always wanted to be. It won’t be easy, but nothing worth having ever is.
The time for change is now, this day, November 4, 2020, and I’m ready to step into the man I know I can be—the man my family needs me to be. No more lies, no more hiding. It’s time to be accurate, raw, and honest. And in doing so, I believe I’ll find the balance and love I’ve been searching for all along.